Now available: my memoir on the loss, and our infertility journey, Fragile and Perfectly Cracked. Warning: it’s graphic and uncomfortable to read. But guess what? Pregnancy loss is graphic and uncomfortable to experience. I wanted to write an honest and raw account of the grief.
In 2010 I went into early labor and lost my son at 21 weeks pregnant. Up until that point my pregnancy had been completely normal and complication-free. The prognosis was that some type of infection got through my waters. His official name is Baby T – we hadn’t wanted to know whether it was a boy or girl, and had always called him Baby Teysko or Baby T for short. So when we needed to fill out a name on the death certificate, that’s what we chose. His ashes are on a bookshelf in our living room.
After another three years, another early miscarriage, and too many fertility treatments (nothing spells romance like your husband giving you a shot in your ass to make you ovulate) we welcomed our miracle babygirl, the amazing Hannah Zen, who is our light and love. But as awesome as she is, no human is able to replace another; and no baby, no matter how awesome and beautiful, will ever replace my son. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about him, and Hannah will grow up knowing that she has a brother who watches over her.
Right after the loss, I started a blog on Open Salon to chronicle my way through my grief. I hadn’t wanted my personal blog to turn into the Grief Blog; I thought Baby T deserved his own space. But now I am trying to collect all my writing and posts from that time and turn them into one place where people can read, and hopefully take solace if they are dealing with their own losses. I get a fair amount of emails from people who found my blog on Salon, and it heartens me to know that people are able to find comfort in Baby T’s life and death.
Time does make it not ache so much, but it can take a lot of time. I am only now at the point where I can write about that time without falling back into depression and grief. I am working on a book about a couple after pregnancy loss, but it’s hard going because I don’t like to go back into that place. I think it’s necessary, though, to fully come to terms with everything that happened, and honor Baby T.
So anyway, here is the list of posts from my Open Salon blog.
An Introduction to My Grief – December 20, 2010
I should be 7 months preggo now, not peeing on sticks – December 21, 2010
The First 7 Days of Grief: A User’s Guide – December 28, 2010
Preparing for a Stillborn – January 26, 2011
Things Not to Say to a Grieving Woman – February 4, 2011